“I think that there’s an opportunity (to have) a bridging conversation, if you’re able to reach out and say, ‘Hey, I know it’s been years. I know that we’ve not connected, but Mom and Dad, they’re getting a little older … I’d really love to use this as an opportunity for us to reconnect and have some conversations,’” McLennan said.
Reaching out may not work for every sibling, she noted, but individuals can at least keep up on their own roles and responsibilities, including seeking professional advice.
“Making sure that you’re informed, making sure you know your responsibilities, making sure that you’ve got the information that you need, whether you’re executor or not executor, and attempting to get the outside assistance you may require,” McLennan said.
Often, settling estates require tax, legal and financial planning advice, she added.
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If there’s a vacuum of information from the parents, it may be natural for children to fill that gap with assumptions or potential reasons for decisions in the will. McLennan has seen children “blindsided” by inheritances and witnessed the aftermath as siblings blame each other.
“Sometimes, if we don’t have enough information, we fill in the back story, and we might be wrong,” she said. “Sometimes we take what we receive as a proxy for love: ‘Mom loves you best. She left you the business, she left you the farm, she left you more.’”
But that’s a mistake, McLennan said, as there are many considerations that children may not realize. In her conversations with parents, they are also concerned about their children being negatively impacted by an inheritance, and they often look at other members in the family, not related by blood—such as spouses.
The importance of communicating clearly
Ideally, parents should have communicated their intentions clearly to avoid any misunderstandings, McLennan said, but when that’s not the case, avoid the blame game, avoid relationship breakdown. Support your sibling, communicate, and keep the family together—the latter is a priority, she added.